You can’t hug on the internet

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Sometimes your brain is at odds with your heart. My heart says ” I’m leaving my children” My brain says ” my children are no longer children”. Both are right and it’s a daily (hourly) fight.

My three boys are in their twenties now, living independent lives, being good, grown up people. I have a good and healthy relationship with all three. Mostly our interactions are typed through Facebook Messenger, but we keep in touch, we chat occasionally on the phone and I see them to varying degrees from once a week to every couple of months. I pride myself on my ability to let them be adults and my resulting ability to be an independent person at the age of 50. I downsized my house a couple of years ago, to one that fits me, a spare room should anyone visit. I didn’t keep a family home but I would always help them out if they needed it. I have strong opinions about parents who give their up on their own lives, so that their grown up children can live theirs; I wasn’t going to do that. So here I am in my small house with three happy 20 somethings living their lives, I’m about to go on an adventure that is completely about me and my dreams

But.. my heart skips a beat when I think of being thousands of miles away from them. Everyone says you can Skype Whats App and the Internet and yes, yes I can, but how will I hug them, sense them and reassure myself they are ok. I am worried about what I will feel; I don’t stop being a mom because they have stopped being children. Lately I have been thinking about when I say goodbye to them, when I go, I have this sense that I will never see them again. It’s an irrational fear, but it is haunting me it’s a voice saying stay, be around, then everyone will be safe.

I also have feelings of guilt. We are programmed to put others first, particularly our children, I am going against all of that in this act of selfishness.

I know I will miss them, I think it will be acutely painful at times; I am worried that the pain will outweigh the pleasure.

My brain is right and so is my heart, the fight goes on.

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